


Depression Sucks

by vmplvr1977



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Clexa Week 2020, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Service Dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23061988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmplvr1977/pseuds/vmplvr1977
Summary: Clarke is having a bad day and it just happens to coincide with her new roommate Lexa moving in.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 13
Kudos: 199





	Depression Sucks

**Author's Note:**

> Just a one shot for the last day of Clexa week. Warning, it's angsty... Though the title should be warning enough.
> 
> I did comment moderation because other fics I've read like this get hate, so I didn't want to deal with the negativity.

"Griff! You home?" Raven's voice was the very last thing the blonde wanted to hear today. _Why can't everyone just leave me alone? I can't deal with people today…_ It always goes this way, with everyone, even the ones closest to you… **especially** the ones closest to you. How do you explain not having the energy or will to get out of bed? "There you are! Did you forget to set the alarm or something? Everybody at work is worried about you… what's up with your apartment? It's a fucking mess." Her best friend didn't bother with formalities as she barged into the blonde's bedroom. How do you explain forgetting to eat because you can't bring yourself to? Or how exhausting it is to carry on a conversation because the voices in your own mind are **so loud** that you feel overstimulated by anything other than complete silence. 

"Leave me alone, Rae." Clarke grumbled, not bothering to move from her position in her bed and pulled the covers over her head. _I'm just tired of everything and everyone, I can't do it anymore... can't fake being normal. If I call in sick, after so long it's the assumption of you're faking it or being lazy. If I'm honest about my ups and downs, they get concerned or think I'm crazy... it's too much!!_

"Clarke, you're supposed to be at work! Are you sick?" Raven's words only served to upset the blonde more. _Work… that's the biggest obstacle in my life, the source of so much frustration and anxiety._ You have to force yourself to be around people, force yourself to be what **they** expect you to be, say what **they** expect you to say. _If I go to work, everyone will ask how I am and I'm_ **_so fucking tired_ ** _of faking it._ People don't want to hear that you're depressed or having a bad day, they want you to say that you're good or fine. _They don't understand how exhausting it is to plaster on a fake smile so they don't judge me or ask a million questions I don't know the answer to._

"Just go away, I'm not in the mood." Clarke grumbled. _Even when they mean well, it only makes me feel worse about myself._ When you've been dealing with this disease your entire life, you've learned to condition yourself. Answers to questions become automatic, often leaving your lips before you've considered it. Because you'll do anything and everything to just be left alone. You don't want to hear their opinions on how you feel, because they've never experienced it. 

"So you aren't sick... just in a bad mood. You can't not call into work, Griff, it makes people worry about you. Talk to me, tell me what's wrong." Raven sounded concerned, but it didn't make a difference to the blonde who was sick of coming up with excuses. How do you explain what you feel? Tell them the truth? _I lied so you wouldn't be uncomfortable or risk me pushing you away by hurting my feelings._ How do you tell them that just because I got through two weeks of faking my emotions, it doesn't mean that I'm okay?

"I can't today, Rae… just go." Clarke replied, silently begging for Raven to just do what she says. _I'm_ ** _not_** _okay, I'm_ ** _never_** _really okay... I mustered the strength to_ ** _act_** _like I'm fine, but it's exhausting._ _It's so fucking exhausting, that's why I can't make myself do anything when you get home from work. I can't tell them how I really feel!!_ They'll either judge or tell you about their friend's friend that had a mental illness and start babbling about it. It's very rare that someone has even the slightest clue what they are talking about, but people try. It's an instinct, they try to relate, but so often they can't. You don't want to make them uncomfortable by telling them they just don't understand. So you lie... come up with anything that pops in your head, something that they might be able to relate to because you can't explain what it's like. 

"What's going on with you lately, Griff? You haven't been to work in a week, is this one of your... episodes?" Raven asked and that was all it took for the blonde to shut down. That's the worst part of telling people about your disease, they assume you're just acting crazy or that medicine will fix you. This is why you don't tell people the truth, because the response is always the same. 'You said you were fine or you were okay yesterday, so what changed?' But there is no fix… no miracle cure. Just a constant shift of meds and dosages, that help for a short time. It will **never** go away, not permanently. _One of my episodes? You just think I'm crazy and I can't do this, I don't have the energy._

"Episodes? Just get the hell out of my apartment!" Clarke's rate started to boil, it wasn't just rage towards her best friend. Most of the anger you feel is not ever being free of it. You feel better, you feel shitty, you feel amazing, you feel numb. _Not even I know what to expect and I've been dealing with this for years!!_ The moment a person discounts your feelings, you no longer want to discuss how you feel out of a combination of fear of rejection and knowing that they just don't understand. Knowing that they think it can just be fixed with medicine or talking to someone. Or worse, they turn it around on you and make you feel like your emotional shit is an inconvenience to them. That you're being an asshole for not wanting to spend time with them or talk to them. _No one understands how crippling it is… that my mind can make me incapable of functioning._

"Clarke, I'm trying to understand… you are still taking your meds, right?" Raven offered. There it was, the source of so much frustration and anxiety when people know that you have a disease. _Did you or are you taking your medicine? If you won't talk to me, talk to a doctor._ But you hate doctors, they either are too busy or too numb to hear your problems. Tell them how you feel and they change your meds so you have to deal with adjusting to the long list of side effects, often making you feel worse. Either way, it rarely helps for long. You know it **may** make you feel better, but it's a coin toss. You have to ask yourself... are the side effects of your meds worse than the end result? Yeah, you'll be able to get out of bed for a few weeks but there's always the chance it causes a rapid cycle. Feeling good never lasts, it always goes away... especially the really good days. You go from feeling better to feeling numb to not feeling anything or not caring about anything. Not even things that once effortlessly brought a smile to your face, can brighten your day. Sometimes you feel so numb that physical pain feels good, because you're walking through dream land. **_That's_ ** _when I know I have to ask for help… when it gets that bad, but this part I can deal with. Just give me time._

"You can't possibly understand, Rae… no one does." The blonde shook her head, fighting a mixture of hopelessness and anger. _I want to get better, but it never lasts..._ They don't understand that talking to **anyone** can be debilitating for you and they don't get that sometimes you just need time (hours, days, even weeks) alone to get it out of your system. Sometimes you want to spend time with people but you're so afraid of what will happen when you do. Your emotions are raw and it only takes an off handed comment to cause you to be hurt or angry, even if they didn't intend to make you feel that way. You're afraid you'll get angry and make a scene or retreat into yourself, only to be bombarded with 'is everything okay'. 

"Then explain it to me." Raven suggested and it only made it harder for the blonde. You want to talk, want to tell them the truth, but the fear kicks in. _What if she doesn't understand, what if she judges me or misinterprets what I say?_ You already know it's going to happen, so why bother? Why change things up? _I've been doing this for years and I know it will eventually get better, just let me do this on my own so I don't have to explain feelings that you can't comprehend._ _If you knew what this is like, you wouldn't push me to leave the house when I just can't. Wouldn't give me opinions on how to handle my depression._

"I **can't** explain it, please just go." Clarke begged. Talking about your feelings just brings on a wave of crippling anxiety that makes you want to hide under the bed and forget the rest of the world. _I'm afraid you'll judge, afraid you won't understand because no one does. I've been dealing with this for years, decades almost and it's the same shit, every time._ You close yourself off because people that mean well, only make you feel worse or angry because they offered to help and don't listen because you don't know how to process what you tell them. _I'm depressed, I won't always be like this… a week from now I might be happier than I have in a year, I don't know. Just let me deal with it, I'm a professional at this point._

"Nope, if you're gonna play hooky I am too." Raven replied and normally it would make Clarke feel better and the blonde would allow her best friend to try. _I spend every last drop of energy to fake being okay, fake being normal and eventually it catches up to me._ People often mean well, but it almost always ends with you being angry because they don't get that their two cents often hurts your feelings and makes you feel weak. It's always accompanied with 'why didn't you tell me you felt depressed'? _I don't have answers, just that I feel like this and it will pass… eventually._

"I don't want you here! Go!" Clarke barked, not trying to be cruel… just that it was too much for her to handle. _If Raven stays, she'll ask questions. Ones I can't answer to her satisfaction._ Why can't you just make yourself go to work? You're an adult, so you can't just avoid people. Why don't you clean your apartment? Why don't you want to talk to anyone? Why don't you want to leave the house? Or even worse… you don't have it that bad, you're just being dramatic or lazy. Get over it, there's millions of people that have it worse than you. At least you have a family or friends that care about you. Pull it together and stop being a baby. They don't accept your honest answer, because they don't feel it. _I just can't today!!_

"You know Griff, you make it really fucking hard to be your friend. We've been trying so hard to be there for you and you push everyone away. Why can't you make an effort?" Rae was upset now, taking your feelings personally. More often than not, you trust a person enough to be honest and they forget, because they don't understand. They make an off handed comment, like you were doing fine or I'm the only one around here making an effort. Not necessarily meant to hurt you, just their inability to understand that you deal with this every single motherfucking day **.** _I don't even know what to expect when I wake up each morning!!_ They don't understand that you **do** make an effort, but so often it's not enough for them. _I'm so tired of trying to make my friends feel better by discounting how I feel._

"I don't need friends, leave me the fuck alone." Clarke was shouting now, she wasn't certain if she really wanted Raven to leave, just that she didn't have the energy to explain. _Because I already think I'm weak for having this disease, I already think I'm worthless or not enough, so why risk hearing it from someone else? I don't need other people making me feel bad._

"You don't want me as a friend, fine. No wonder Nylah left, if you act like this when someone is trying to help you. Enjoy feeling sorry for yourself! " Raven stomped out, slamming the front door behind her and the blonde finally allowed the tears of hopelessness to escape. _I didn't really want you to leave!! I just don't know how to act around people!!_

  
  
  


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Clarke didn't know how long she cried or how long she slept. She would have slept longer, if not for the unexpected intruder in her bedroom. That's what woke her, being bombarded with soft licks all over her face. _What the fuck??_ She opened her, finding a familiar face looking down at her, while standing on her chest. Big brown eyes, cold pink nose, a slight underbite and perky ears. It was Skye, a dark brown and tan chihuahua mix that belonged to Clarke's new roommate that was moving in... _Shit, is it Saturday already?_ The small dog was not what Clarke expected when they first met, so adorably ugly that you couldn't help but love her. Skye was very friendly and immediately bonded with Clarke when they met. It was the first thing Lexa asked about when she first toured the apartment and the blonde was so distracted by the brunette's beauty to deny her request for the dog to live with them. Then Clarke met Skye and they immediately bonded, the adorably ugly canine won the blonde's heart within minutes. After that, the blonde that initially said no pets, agreed to make an exception and now she regretted it. 

"Skye… not in the mood." Clarke grumbled and the brown canine did a circle, then cuddled into the blonde. "That wasn't an invite…" The blonde argued and the tiny dog set her chin on Clarke's shoulder with sad eyes. _Okay, you're more pathetic than I am…_ Once Skye closed her eyes, the blonde let out a defeated sigh and decided it wouldn't be **so** bad to let the adorable furball sleep with her. Clarke wasn't entirely certain how long she'd slept when the smell of bacon pulled her from her dreams. She opened her eyes, finding the brown fur ball nuzzled into her neck. The blonde shifted in bed, immediately rewarded by a face full of wet licks, eliciting a groan and it seemed to only encourage Skye, licking more excitedly. Clarke didn't know why, but she couldn't be mad at the poor thing for smelling the same savory aroma that brought a drool to the blonde's mouth. Finally, the blonde sat up and the dog jumped around happily, encouraging her with licks. "Yeah, yeah… I'm getting up. Don't get your hopes up… this is a one time thing."

"Woo- woo." Skye replied, not with a bark and it was almost as if she was talking back to the blonde as she shuffled out of her bedroom, following the scent of bacon. Clarke arrived at the kitchen, finding Lexa cooking said bacon and looked up at the blonde with a surprised look.

"I hope I didn't wake you..." The brunette gave her new roommate an apologetic look and Clarke shook her head. 

"Skye wanted bacon… not that I blame her, it smells really good."

"Well, then it's a good thing I cooked the whole package… you don't have to eat it now, if you're not hungry. I figured I'd throw the leftovers in the fridge so we could grab and go." Lexa shot the blonde a hopeful smile and Clarke felt something brush against her leg, finding the brown fur ball looking up at her with sad eyes.

"What? If you want bacon, ask Lexa." The blonde offered and Lexa shot the blonde a smirk, then one at the pup.

"Skye doesn't get bacon until we're done eating, I have an extra egg in the carton. I uh… have a thing about odd numbers, so I kind of have to cook it. How do you like your eggs? I can put it in the fridge for later, if you want…" The brunette looked to Clarke for a response and the blonde immediately felt uncomfortable. _Not even a full day into her living here and she's cooking for me. She's going to be so disappointed when she realizes what a mess I am._

"Uh, over easy… but you don't have to…"

"I don't mind. In fact I would only mind if I left a single egg in the carton. I know, I know… I'm a weirdo." Lexa gave her a cautious look, one the blonde had given so many people in the past. The 'please don't judge me' look and it put Clarke somewhat at ease. _Guess I'm not the only here that's afraid of what people think..._

"No you aren't… I have my own… thing, so I promise that I don't judge you." Clarke assured the brunette and Lexa's face filled with a relieved smile, knowing she didn't have to explain. _Or at least that would be how I felt..._

"I figured, the way Skye reacted when she met you… she's very receptive to emotions. That's why she was my only requirement of moving in. Whenever I'm feeling off, she's there to listen or cuddle or be impossibly adorable enough to coax me out of bed." Lexa's face filled with a soft smile at both the blonde and tiny canine that seemed to be attached to Clarke's side, following her calmly as if wearing a leash.

"Well, she managed to get **me** out of bed and that's saying something."

"I'm glad she could help. Would you like me to put your food in the fridge?" The brunette asked as she finished Clarke's egg and the blonde had already decided that she was hungry. _I just hope she doesn't take it personally if I'm full after a few bites..._

"Uh, no… I'll eat now."

"Alrighty… if you get full, don't feel pressured to finish… Skye gets the scraps." Lexa smiled as she piled a few slices of bacon on the plate, followed by a perfectly cooked egg. Clarke looked down at those big brown eyes and could swear the pup was begging a little bit, though wasn't pushy about it.

"She seems to know that."

"It's part of her training, she gets rewarded for getting me to eat something. Even if it's only a few bites, as far as she's concerned it's a win win." Lexa explained and the blonde narrowed her eyes at the brunette as she took a bite of her bacon. _Fuck, this tastes good!_

"Skye's a support dog?" Clarke asked and the brunette gave her dog a proud smile, then nodded.

"Yep. Best ever, if you ask me. People can… make it worse without meaning to. Skye can't tell me that I'm being dramatic or overly emotional. She loves me, no matter what. If I'm having a good day, a bad day, or a so-so day… it makes no difference to her. She's always there for me, in the way I need. It sounds weird…" Lexa explained and Clarke felt a soft smile escape her lips at the thought. _That's exactly what I need right now! Someone that is there for me, but couldn't possibly make me feel bad about feeling down._

"No… it actually sounds… perfect."

"I'm glad that you don't mind, because she tends to get clingy when she senses a bad day. If she bothers you, just let me know." Lexa took a seat across from the blonde and the two ate mostly in silence, a comfortable one. The brunette somehow knew that Clarke needed it and the blonde was grateful her new roommate seemed so intuned with her emotions. The blonde ate more than she expected to, though only half her plate. It was more than she'd eaten in four, maybe five days so it was a big win for Clarke. It wouldn't be much for someone else, in fact most of her friends would push her to eat more and yet it was a milestone for this particular funk. 

"This was really good, Lexa. Thank you." Clarke gave her a genuine smile and the brunette shrugged, then gestured to the brown furball.

"No trouble at all. Don't forget to give Skye the rest…"

"How could I forget, with those sad eyes of yours?" Clarke shot the dog a half smile, as she knelt down and placed her plate on the ground. Skye ate it all in less than a second and did a damn good job of licking the plate clean. Lexa picked up the empty plate, rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher. It wasn't until now, that Clarke noticed that the brunette had cleaned the entire apartment, with the exception of the blonde's bedroom. A flood of embarrassment washed over Clarke, realizing what it must look like to her new roommate and she gulped hard. _Oh my god, she is probably already regretting this!! Way to scare off the new roommate on day one, Clarke._ Seeming to sense her shift in moods, Lexa reached out and placed a careful hand on Clarke's arm.

"I can't promise I'll always do this. I have bad days too, but I don't mind picking up the slack when I am able to. If it gets too bad, Skye gets pushy and forces me out of my funk." The brunette seemed to be sincere and a wave of relief washed over the blonde, glad that Lexa understood. _At least she seems to..._

"Is that what she's doing with me?" Clarke asked as Skye nuzzled into her leg and gave her a hopeful look.

"She's trying to. If she annoys you, please tell me and I'll tell her to leave you alone. It's in her training to give attention when she senses certain emotions, but if it's too much..." Lexa replied and the blonde cut her off, wanting the brunette to know she wasn't complaining. _I've barely left my bed for days and the two of you did it effortlessly._

"It's okay, I don't mind."

"I'm going to watch some Netflix. I don't have anything really in mind, probably whatever pops up first… you can join me. We don't have to talk, but I should warn you that Skye **will** expect you to cuddle with her." Lexa gestured to the living room and gave the blonde a hopeful smile, making it easy to accept her offer. _Something about Lexa just puts me at ease… like it's okay to be me around her._

"I'm okay with that, in fact I could use some cuddle time." Clarke crossed the room and took a seat on the couch, Skye immediately hopped up to sit next to her.

"Good, if you need to leave you can… I don't expect you to keep me company and I understand if it gets to be too much. No explanations required, do what you need to do." Lexa reassured the blonde and then took a seat on the other side of the couch. They watched for hours, sometimes silently and other times having small talks. Lexa was as receptive to Clarke's emotions as Skye was, perhaps because of the pup's body language. As promised, Skye cuddled the whole time and only stirred when Lexa took her outside, then made them lunch. The brunette knew when to be silent, when to speak and didn't pressure Clarke to make any decisions. _It's hard to explain how stressful it can be at times, just deciding what to watch. Often, the anxiety gets so much that I just give up and go back to bed._ But there were no decisions to be made, Lexa just let Netflix drift between shows and movies randomly. It was strangely comforting, not having to worry if the other person in the room disliked a decision or judged you for it. 

"Thank you." Clarke finally spoke, after realizing that the sun was going down and feeling slightly better. She couldn't promise that her mood would hold, but she learned long ago to appreciate small victories. _I got out of bed, ate twice and managed a full hour without being overwhelmed by hopelessness. Overall, a good day._

"For what?"

"Being and doing exactly what I needed, both of you." The blonde explained and the brunette's face filled with a bright smile, as she patted Skye on the head.

"Of course, we are roommate's now and I for one am relieved to live with someone I don't have to explain my feelings to." Lexa replied and the blonde nodded her agreement, looking down at brown fluff that was stretched between the two roommates. 

"I think the three of us are perfect for each other." Clarke half smiled, as Skye stirred and stretched her body, before giving the blonde a lick on the cheek.

"Me too." Lexa looked at the pup lovingly and then smiled at the blonde, who felt like this was the best decision she'd made in a long time. _With these two for support, I just might get through my funk and I can't put into words how right this feels._

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I know it's not my usual trope, but it seemed appropriate for today. If you do struggle with depression, or mental illness... just remember you aren't alone. 😊


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